Thought I was going to die!

I thought I was going to die yesterday. I'm currently on about 1000ml of morphine a day due to the pain that is caused by this bone cancer. It started off as stage 3c ovarian cancer and then spreaded to my hip bone, which ate up my hip and made me cripple. I can no longer lift my left leg up to move certain ways let a lone make love anymore. But my point is that I'm in alot of pain, that's why I take so much morphine. And due to all the morphine I'm taking I am consipated to the point of I don't have regular bowel movements, I mean it comes out in little round very hard balls. Anyway yesterday I was throwing up due to the chemotherapy I tale once a week, so I didn't have much in my stomach. I took some pills to help me with the vomiting, and then I ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwhich, which was a very bad idea because when it came time for me to make a bowel movement my intestines became locked up and I started to experience the most severe pain I had ever experienced in my whole life. I was on the toilet trying to make a bowel movement that didn't want to come out, yet there was the pain. I then asked me husband to come into the bathroom and go under the bathroom sink to get me the lactulose (a drink that acts like liquid plumber for the human digestive track) so that I could flush whatever was causing me such severe pain being stuck.  As I sat there I only begun to experience more pain, multiplying every minute longer at sat there. Until I thought I was going to die. I then screamed for my husband to help me to the car, to rush me to the hospital all the while in my head thinking I wasn't going to make it because the pain was to great. I jumped into the back seat to try and lay in the SIM's position (is where you lay down on your left side with your left leg straight and your right leg bent up toward your stomach) and hope that the bowel would pass but the pain amplified up to about 200 on a scale from 1 to 10 and I screamed for my husband to hurry up that I was dying. He couldn't have trying to go any slower than what he was going. He got in the car and we began to drive, I felt myself getting hotter and hotter, you know a very hot fever. My stomach had never ever felt such pain in my whole life, and then all of a sudden it started to happen, my bowels started to pass and all I could think of was my husband how was he going to react to this (me laying in the back seat, making a bowel movement). I told him that I was making a bowel movement and He pulled the car over and came to the back of the car to pass me a blanket and help me put in under to help prevent it from getting all over his car. I couldn't do much because by that time I was so weakened by the whole experience and not to mention all the chemotherapy I've been doing. I felt helpless and embarrassed of the whole situation. We then turned around to go back home to clean my mess up instead of going to the hospital, due to there was no pain anymore and a huge mess in my panties and a little in the car. When we got home my husband pulled around to the water hose in the back of the house and helped me out to spray me and my clothes off and clean out the car. We had to yell at all the kids that were playing in the yard to go over next store, and all they wanted to do was try and see what was going on, it was a very embarrassing day and a very painful one on top of that. Well I got back into the house and cried my heart out for what I have to go through everyday because of this cancer. I thought "wow I'm 39 years old and I have to go through this". I was so weakened by the whole ordeal that I layed down in the bed for about 3hrs. until I had to make another bowel movement again (due to the lactulose I had to repeatedly get up throughout the whole night and deal with having the runs). I was too weak to take my morphine that night, that the next day I was experiencing withdrawls. I tell you the whole ordeal was life threatening, painful, weakening and embarrassing. I never want to experience that again. And you know what else hurt was when my husband yelled at me for the smell of it all and told me why don't I ask my sons to do something. Yah right like I wanted to have my sons see me naked as was what I was through most of the ordeal. This is Marti Lynn I don't want to claim the married last name anymore due to the way this man treats me throughout my cancer problems, signing off until next episode I pray no one has to go through what I am going through in life! You all take care and may Jehovah God Bless You All!

Feeling sick!

It's been two years since I have found out about this cancer. I am still taking chemotherapy and it is making feel like throwing up again. I remember the first time it made me feel like throwing up when I first started taking chemo it did't really make me fell that way but when I had that two or three month break and then started up again for the once a month for three months until I couldn't take it no more because that is when I started to throw up. And I mean I'm surprised I didn't lose weight because I was throwing up all day long it seemed like. Well here we go again, going down this fighting for my life road again, and I'll tell you it's not well. I mean I hate it. I really shouldn't use that word hate but that's exactly how I feel about it. It's really harder than it has ever been before because the way chemotherapy has damaged my digestive track and all the way up to my throat it doesn't flow correctly in either direction in or out and it is just really "Ruff". I also feel so week at times to the point of not wanting to get out of bed. But I know that if I was to stay in bed it would be bad for me. I would end up getting worse, and also it would be an act of giving up I feel. But not me! No not ever, I plan on getting as much time with my kids as I possibly can. Their names are Kekoa who is 20, Kainoa who is 18, Kanani who is 17 and Cynthia Lynn who is 14. Right now Kanani is in hawaii with her aunty debbie (my sister) and the boys are over here in louisiana with me. I came over  to be able to get to know my youngest Cynthia. Whom I've been out of her life for 7 years and out of the others for about the same but been able to see them off and on because we lived in the same state at the time. So my two boys came over a little later after I did, just to be with me, which I feel is a great way to show me they love me. I just love my kids so much and it will take me dying to be seperated from them. Well until next time this is Marti Lynn Beaudion cancer fighter/survivor!

Not to sure of what I'm doing !

                      I'm really having a hard time when it come to URL and those other link things that's because I basically taught myself how to do what ever it is that I do know. I'm sort of freaked out right not because I really love this Blogging thing and I don't want to lose it sue to not understanding everything about the internet. I really want to be able to have my blog running at full throttle or should I say at its best ability! Any way what is a URL address and those things (http:// and etc.)  can somebody help me I still don't understand somethings  I hear is really to be so simple like  dragging stuff and copying and pasting and you know ? Please help 


                                                                                    Sincerly confused and needs help!

wanting and needing is the name of this moment!

This was when we went to sixflags in near ATL Georgia. It is one of the many things that I set for myself to experience before this cancer takes over me all the way to the grave! And you know what I feel that by doing such a thing as setting a bucket list helps me to feel easier about leaving this world, but it doesn't feel that great because I really appriciate whatJehovah God has created from the animals to mother nature in all her glory im this world was a gift to us who were permitted to experience life . I am so greatful to the one and only father and to the one whom he sent fourth to give us even more. A chance, the chance to realize that there is alot more to life even so to the point that we would be given a chance to live forever.!!!! OOOOOHHH!!! Jesus how I love you too You are the reason I am! And You Jehovah are my life! I will never yeild to this cancer, I will continue tolive my live in search of life to life. Just like the adrienaline junky or like the wild animal that just survives day to day! I'll live life One Day at a time!