Thought I was going to die!

I thought I was going to die yesterday. I'm currently on about 1000ml of morphine a day due to the pain that is caused by this bone cancer. It started off as stage 3c ovarian cancer and then spreaded to my hip bone, which ate up my hip and made me cripple. I can no longer lift my left leg up to move certain ways let a lone make love anymore. But my point is that I'm in alot of pain, that's why I take so much morphine. And due to all the morphine I'm taking I am consipated to the point of I don't have regular bowel movements, I mean it comes out in little round very hard balls. Anyway yesterday I was throwing up due to the chemotherapy I tale once a week, so I didn't have much in my stomach. I took some pills to help me with the vomiting, and then I ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwhich, which was a very bad idea because when it came time for me to make a bowel movement my intestines became locked up and I started to experience the most severe pain I had ever experienced in my whole life. I was on the toilet trying to make a bowel movement that didn't want to come out, yet there was the pain. I then asked me husband to come into the bathroom and go under the bathroom sink to get me the lactulose (a drink that acts like liquid plumber for the human digestive track) so that I could flush whatever was causing me such severe pain being stuck.  As I sat there I only begun to experience more pain, multiplying every minute longer at sat there. Until I thought I was going to die. I then screamed for my husband to help me to the car, to rush me to the hospital all the while in my head thinking I wasn't going to make it because the pain was to great. I jumped into the back seat to try and lay in the SIM's position (is where you lay down on your left side with your left leg straight and your right leg bent up toward your stomach) and hope that the bowel would pass but the pain amplified up to about 200 on a scale from 1 to 10 and I screamed for my husband to hurry up that I was dying. He couldn't have trying to go any slower than what he was going. He got in the car and we began to drive, I felt myself getting hotter and hotter, you know a very hot fever. My stomach had never ever felt such pain in my whole life, and then all of a sudden it started to happen, my bowels started to pass and all I could think of was my husband how was he going to react to this (me laying in the back seat, making a bowel movement). I told him that I was making a bowel movement and He pulled the car over and came to the back of the car to pass me a blanket and help me put in under to help prevent it from getting all over his car. I couldn't do much because by that time I was so weakened by the whole experience and not to mention all the chemotherapy I've been doing. I felt helpless and embarrassed of the whole situation. We then turned around to go back home to clean my mess up instead of going to the hospital, due to there was no pain anymore and a huge mess in my panties and a little in the car. When we got home my husband pulled around to the water hose in the back of the house and helped me out to spray me and my clothes off and clean out the car. We had to yell at all the kids that were playing in the yard to go over next store, and all they wanted to do was try and see what was going on, it was a very embarrassing day and a very painful one on top of that. Well I got back into the house and cried my heart out for what I have to go through everyday because of this cancer. I thought "wow I'm 39 years old and I have to go through this". I was so weakened by the whole ordeal that I layed down in the bed for about 3hrs. until I had to make another bowel movement again (due to the lactulose I had to repeatedly get up throughout the whole night and deal with having the runs). I was too weak to take my morphine that night, that the next day I was experiencing withdrawls. I tell you the whole ordeal was life threatening, painful, weakening and embarrassing. I never want to experience that again. And you know what else hurt was when my husband yelled at me for the smell of it all and told me why don't I ask my sons to do something. Yah right like I wanted to have my sons see me naked as was what I was through most of the ordeal. This is Marti Lynn I don't want to claim the married last name anymore due to the way this man treats me throughout my cancer problems, signing off until next episode I pray no one has to go through what I am going through in life! You all take care and may Jehovah God Bless You All!